There is Love and a Cry for Love

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Today my Unitarian Universalist service was truly meaningful to me — from the meditation, to the sermon, to the benediction with a Buddhist prayer. Our guest speaker, Rev. Gy Ludvig talked about our Unitarian roots in Transylvania. This was news to me since I did not know that was the genealogy of UU. Our history is fascinating and makes me extremely proud since it is based on both love and intellectualism; heart and mind as one. I think what she discussed that most captured me was her idea that there are only two true aspects to the human condition — love and fear. Love is possessing and giving love and Fear is a need for love. As anyone reading this knows, the former is better but often more difficult than the latter.

These days when I have been quite neurotic about my place in the world in general and in my own relationships in particular, her words were not only very much ringing true but they were also inspiring. Too often I feel I need validation, I need the attention of others to feel worthy of myself, to remain walking on the earth. This is my fear, my ultimate fear. And it is often what I experience, more so than love. There’s love and fear. And as a woman possessing free will, I am constantly able to make a choice between Love and Fear.

Love is more difficult for many reasons. For me the reason is often my ill inner thoughts of not being loved and therefore afraid to give it wholly to anyone. This may explain my predilection with inanimate objects possessing a lifeblood however metaphysically. In my poems I often see the unalive as alive in a sense we as humans will never know because of our constantly hovering consciousness. The unconscious inanimate has nothing but being, existing on an atomic level, no need to choose Love or Fear because that inanimate is also emotionless. In this I feel a sympathy with the inanimate. In this I feel a sympathy with that person who is seemingly thoughtless and emotionless. But even the murderer has this … but they are ruled to their very core by Fear, a cry for love.

I have again been reading my “bible” — The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa. I fear his words as I read them, his words that move a part of me deeply because I see so much of myself in them. And since I have been researching Pessoa while I work on an essay about his poems, I now feel that Pessoa was a walking Fear. He did not murder anyone, but in a sense he was constantly murdering himself — hence the several personas he possessed all with different lives, zodiacs, and outlooks. In Pessoa’s (writing as Pessoa) poem, “Stations of the Cross” he writes, I am myself the loss I suffered … // And on this road that leads to Otherness / Bloom in the slender wayside glory / The sunflowers of the empire dead in me.

I have had so many desires these last several days, but now my only desire is an interior reflection in my interior mirrors, a road that leads to Otherness. I desire today to try only to love and in this declaration I fear there must be a silence since I must first try to love myself. I think my natural inclination toward fear is evident in many of my words here and will be again no doubt. The difference now though is my acknowledgment with it and my desire to run right by it heading toward an empire of love and desire instead of fear and desire.

 

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Published in: on November 4, 2007 at 5:42 pm  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Man, now I REALLY feel like a heel for missing that service.


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